Sometimes I'm an insomniac. Occasionally it's medication induced. (Like the last three nights when I went back on my ADHD meds. It's been fun, I tell you.) Other times, it's just my body acting weird. And then there are the times I do something truly, incredibly stupid, and I can't sleep because of it.
I can't watch scary movies or participate in scary activities. I mean, at all. It's only been in the last decade that I could watch the video for 'Thriller.' My husband tried to get me to watch 'Shaun of the Dead' and I couldn't cope. I was escorted out of a haunted house run by the local Jaycees when I was in my late teens. I just don't handle scary very well. So I avoid scary stuff.
Well, about a week ago, Chris had control of the remote, and he landed on 'Fargo.' I hadn't seen it since I watched it when I was about 20 or so, and I remember that although I was able to watch the whole thing, it screwed with my head for days. DAYS. I told Chris this, and he asked if I wanted to change it. "No," I said, like a fool. "I'm a grownup now. I think I'll be okay." So we watched it from about 15 minutes in til the end. And I felt pretty okay and a little proud of myself when the movie ended. Weird, because, you know, it was Fargo, but okay overall.
Then we went to bed. And I fell asleep. Then I dreamed that my husband had me kidnapped and my face was shot off. *BAM!* I'm up like a shot. And from that point on (about 2:00am), I was awake ALL.NIGHT.LONG. No sleep for me. That was it. I lay in bed and thought about Fargo. Freaked completely out.
So what did I do? At about 4am when I realized it was hopeless, I came downstairs to the trusty DVR and put on one of my top two favorite grownup shows that I never get to watch when the kids are awake - The First 48. (The other show is The Big Bang Theory. I have a deep and abiding love for that show that borders on obsession. I'll probably blog about that later. Bazinga.)
If you're familiar with The First 48, the fact that I love it but desperately fear scary stuff should give you a little insight to how weird I am. In case you're not familiar, it's a documentary-type show that follows a murder case from beginning to arrest. They are real cases with real victims, real suspects, real witnesses, and real cops. And I can't get enough. I love that show. In fact, I love all crime stuff. 48 Hours, Law and Order, Dateline, all of it. Even most of the books I read are true crime novels. My dad calls it "MurderDeathKill." Chris calls it "Dead People and How They Got That Way." I just call it entertainment.
But why? Why do I enjoy this so much? Better question, why am I so fascinated by true crime, but the fake stuff terrifies me? Shouldn't it be the other way around? It is for Chris (although he denies being afraid and just insists that it's boring and/or sickening.) I really don't understand this part of my mental makeup. I can't quite justify it to myself. I'm not a criminal, not even close. I've had three speeding tickets in my life. I don't have any violent tendencies, I'm not a pathological liar (although I'm sure I will lie horribly about my age later on in life), I vote in every election...I'm a pretty good citizen. So why am I all up in the crime scene? (hehe) And why am I so terrified by scary stuff - more than the average person?
I'm not expecting any answers, really. I just thought it was an interesting contradiction about myself, and maybe I was hoping that someone else might be like me. Or maybe you'll all tell me I'm weird and throw tomatoes. You know, whatever works for you.