Thursday, December 27, 2012
I joke a lot. I'm a pretty funny person. I think. I like to have a good time. But there's some seriousness to me, and for some reason I'm in a serious mood today. I apologize for two serious posts in a row, I had no intention of going back-to-back serious like this. But this has been on my mind.
I want to be a better person. I want to be a better mom. I want to not have mood swings. I want to be the type of person who keeps a clean house, who isn't ashamed for people to drop by her house any old time because it's always presentable. I want to be the type of person who cleans up a mess as soon as she makes it. I want to be a good time manager, a good money manager. I feel like if I could do just a few of these things, all the rest would fall into place. And the biggest key to all of this, the biggest problem I have (in my opinion), is my horrible memory. I forget everything. I forget what I'm doing from the kitchen to the stove. I forget that I'm supposed to call people, I forget appointments, I forget names and faces, I forget things that I've known for years. It's weird that I don't forget certain things. Like, for the most part, I have a great memory for birthdays.
It's not that I don't forget things that are important to me. I forget vital appointments and other things that are very important to my and my children's well-being. Things that I know I have to remember. I make lists. I write myself notes. I do all kinds of little tricks. Nothing has worked. I can be a functional adult with mood swings, I can be normal with guilt. But I can't function with my memory being so bad that people accuse me of being a horrible person and calling me names. So my memory, my anxiety and guilt and my ridiculous mood swings all pile up to disable me and make me a strange and difficult person to be around.
But I don't want to be this way. I've started counseling a few months ago, and my counselor and I are working really hard to try to get me 'normal.' I'm in a better place, mentally and emotionally, than I have been in a long, long time. Despite the fact that I'm under a tremendous amount of stress and my anxiety level is very high, I'm coping very well and am not depressed. I'm working out, I'm going out and being social, I'm not withdrawn, I'm actually well - although I freely admit to being touchy and grouchy(-er than usual.)
I have no idea why I'm sharing this. I really don't. I don't anticipate any advice. I fear sharing my feelings, cares and woes in certain circles of late. So me opening myself up like this doesn't make any sense. What's more, I don't have it nearly as difficult as some, and I know it. The only thing I can think of is that maybe, I guess, I wanted you guys to know me and my heart a bit better. Maybe I wanted you to understand me and my motivations and where I come from a little bit when we talk. I can't understand any other reason why I would share this.
I have enjoyed getting to know those of you that I have met through this blog. A quick update on the anti-stigma campaign - we're working on getting the ball rolling. There is a group on facebook where we bounce ideas off of each other, we're brainstorming....basically we're a little think-tank. I'm incredibly excited about this, and if you'd like to participate, you're welcome. Contact me through here or through my facebook - facebook.com/bbamazeballs
Sorry for being so somber today, I have no idea why. Like I said, I guess I just wanted you guys to know my heart a bit. I'll perk up and get funny again soon. And I hope that you all had a WONDERFUL Christmas!