Thursday, January 17, 2013

Nothing to say, and yet I type.

When I say I've got nothing to say and yet I type, I'm kind of serious. These are just rambling thoughts that I'm committing to text for some reason. Maybe you can relate to something. Maybe you want to just skip this one on by.

I'm sorry I've been absent. It's been a hectic couple of weeks, I've had house guests and sick children, plus I've been dealing with health issues myself. And I'm on the verge of duct-taping my middle child to the wall.

It's supposed to snow today, and Andy is beside himself with glee. He went to school today prepared to tell all of his friends that they could come over and play at his house in the snow. Charlie is sick of being sick and stuck in the house and says he just wants some "sumshime." Katie has no idea what's going on. The last time it snowed, I was pregnant with her, so at 20 months old, she's in for a treat. I'm like a kid at Christmas waiting for it to start. I can't wait to see her little face when it starts. I'm actually trying to time it so she's asleep when it starts and she wakes up when it's falling and there's some on the ground already. I'm almost literally bursting with excitement waiting for that moment.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I had surgery, and I've been kind of down (physically) ever since. I've not been able to go and do like I normally do, and it's driving me nuts. You never really appreciate how awesome going-and-doing is when you're going-and-doing, it just seems like a chore. And then you can't, and suddenly you're dying to get up and MOVE. And the laws of physics apply here, too. An item in motion remains in motion, an item at rest remains at rest. Well, my forward trajectory was slowed over Christmas, and was flat-out stopped two weeks ago. And although I'm feeling better physically, I'm just feeling like a lump who wants to do nothing at all but sit around and be a lump.

Adding to that, it has rained ALL WEEK. Like, all week. There have been no actual rays of sunshine all week long. Plus the kids have been sick (we had an actual case of flu) and I have also been sick with a virus I hope never rears its ugly head again. The kids have been trapped inside - both because I've been unable to drive them and because they've been sick - and they're absolutely climbing the walls, nearly literally. It's just been a blah, blah week. I'd feel better if I knew I could get back on my exercise horse next week and start my forward trajectory, but I have to wait for doctor's clearance and that is supremely frustrating. At the risk of upsetting many, many people in my life, I may not wait for doctor's clearance to start walking 15 minutes a day. I really, really need that boost.

Let's see, what else? Oh, in my sick and infirmed state, I have rotted out about 3 billion brain cells by reading a handful of trashy romance novels. I do believe I'm going to have to read fifteen textbooks in order to regain what I've lost there.

Potty training is a living nightmare. Charlie just isn't having it, and I don't know what to do with him. We've tried everything we can think of. I've read books, I've tried rewards and bribery, I've done everything short of the stickers on the wall or corporal punishment (which I'm not going to do. The latter.) I'm nearing the end of my rope and just resigning myself that my kid will be in pullups forevermore.

Y'all, my husband was wonderful to me while I was sick. And I started a list of top-ten reasons why I love my husband. It may be longer than that. I've been thinking of pulling it out on Valentine's day. Seems appropriate, right? But he was great. And he shouldn't have been, because I was kind of a bitch. Actually, I was more than that. I was a royal pain in the ass. But in my defense, I was in pain and stuff. So...yeah. that's my defense. But the man only called me a name once. That's love right there.

My mother also came down and stayed a week with me. This was good because, like a 7-year-old with a cold, I wanted my mommy. My mother is also the most amazing human being alive. This was bad because my mother cooked three meals a day and I gained ten pounds, I know it. I had struggled through Christmas, and had actually gained a couple of pounds so that the day they wheeled me into surgery I was 3lbs above my lowest point. But hey, Christmas, right? But over these past two weeks, I know I've gained at least four more. I've got a lot of work to do. But it's all good. I'll get it back off. I have a plan. But yeah, my mom. She's the greatest mother in the history of history, and if anything ever happens to her, I'm completely lost. I love her so much.

I haven't crafted anything in several weeks. I'm wondering if that may be what's wrong with me. I need to sit down and CREATE. Maybe if I make something, I'll feel better about myself. I usually do when I have a finished product in my hand. Maybe that's what I'll do.

I've hit a bump in the road with Stigma Sucks. The bump? I got a book about starting non-profits and read it. It's terrifying and has made me doubt myself supremely. I got about a third of the way through and put it down, telling myself I was putting it down because I was having surgery and needed to recover. I haven't picked it back up yet. This is a copout, and I know it. I'm just afraid. This is what I was afraid I was going to do, and what I don't want to happen. I've got to get that book out, finish reading it, and do my best to do what it says, to drum up support. Even then, I realize that this thing is a long shot. The chances of failure are very great. But I still need the sense of accomplishment of knowing that I TRIED. If I quit without trying, then I will have done what I always do, and that's unacceptable.

I've been trying to grieve a relationship that ended many years ago, but I've never faced. I've actually been trying to grieve several things that I've never been able to let go of. And, of course, because I've been trying to let go of them, reminders keep popping up. One of the things I've been trying to grieve and let go of is my best friend that died. How do you get over something? I've never been good at that - getting over a hurt. I've always just stayed hurt. I've got a lot of pent-up hurt.

The level of honesty I achieve here, on the facelessness of this blog, astounds me sometimes.

On another note, tonight is Big Bang Theory night, although I don't think it's a new one. And I have my own "Big Bang" theory, although you guys might think I'm crazy....I think Penny's going to be pregnant at the end of this season. Yep, that's my prediction. These are the things I think about when I'm watching Doc McStuffins and I'm so bored my eyes go crossed.

Also, I'm inordinately excited for "King Of The Nerds" on TBS. That little dude Brandon with the dimples that raps 'Bust A Move' in the promos is just so freakin' adorable that I could eat him with a spoon. My husband is jealous.

I apologize for rambling....thanks if you made it this far!

Enjoy the snow and your eggs, milk and bread! :)

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